Humor

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
19. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
23. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
24. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
25. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
26. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
27. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
28. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
29. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
30. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
31. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
32. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
33. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
34. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
35. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
36. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
38. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
39. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Random Humor 4

We had a "visit" here in my house earlier this weekend from someevangelist missionaries. Not that I have anything against evangelists, but Ithink prosteltyzers rank up there with Direct Sales over the phone, thePsychic friends network, and, door-to-door, are not nearly as cute asGirl Scouts (plus, they don't have cookies).
The players:
Me, Tristan Clair de Lune, the extremely handsome, talented and witty Rialto junkie Rachyl, my girlfriend, also a Rialto reader.
Keith, (or, Phil-in-the-Blank Clair de Lune) a 6'6", 280-pound stick jock (and my brother)
My "other brother," William, a collegiate fencer, busy cooking up a Chinese banquet for my parents who were coming.

Scene: Tristan is nibbling on Rachyl's ear, washing dishes for dinner,or playing with his armor [recollections vary].

William: B! Could you come here?
Me: What is it?
William: Just come here!
Me: OK (puts down the hamster)Ken walks down the hall to see his brother and girlfriend conversing withtwo Nordic-looking, clean-cut gimp-types with name tags.
Gimp #1: Hello! My name is Todd, and I'm from the Mormon Church of Latter-Day saints.
Me: How special for you.
Gimp #2: Have you heard about the Mormons?
Me: Yes, I have. Sometime in the 19th century, some guy thought he was a prophet, went insane, moved out to Salt Lake City, got into trouble witha lot of seagulls, and, hey, y'know Roseanne Barr is from out there?
Gimp #1: So, you've heard of us?
Me (washing dishes): Yes, but we already have a religion, thank you very much. We're Jewish.
Rachyl: We rather like it...
Me: But should it ever break down, we'll be sure to call you.[Rachyl and Keith collapse laughing]Me: That reminds me... Rachyl... isn't it time to light Shabbos candles?
Rachyl: Yeah...
Me: Excuse me for a minute...[Rachyl and Keith continue to talk to the Mormons]
Me (picking up a very large sword from my bedroom wall and shouting down thehall):
RACHYL! IS IT TIME TO SACRIFICE THE GOAT YET?!?!?!?!?!?!
Rachyl: No, you have to wait until the moon comes out!

[Gimp #1 looks at Gimp #2. William continues to chop up the tofu]
Gimp #1: Excuse us. We must be going.
[Switch camera. Tristan is rooting through his closet]Gimp #2: Thankyouverymuchforyourtime...
[The Wonder Gimps turn to leave. Quickly].
Me (running from the bedroom in his black cloak, waving a large sword): CHRISTIAN BLOOD! WE NEED CHRISTIAN BLOOD!!!!
[Switch to: Benny-Hill-esque shot of Mormons running away down the drivewayof House of No X, AKA House Four Down From Ogami].
Me: Damn. We lose more Mormons that way.

Random Humor 3

From RHF:

The following is is original:This is an answer to the age-old question, "Why did the chicken cross theroad?" in the style of Herodotus (Greek historian, fifth century BC, called the Father of History, but also the Father of Lies):

Another story that is told among the Cimmerians is this, that in past times Chickens, and in particular that one Chicken, who was called Misgetomenos the son of Aidoion, were wont to cross the Road. I myself, however, having seen with my own eyes the Road of the Cimmerians, am convinced that the Road is not, and never was, crossable by Chickens, nor yet by Misgetomenos. The Road is in appearance wondrous, and unlike any other thing in the world. It is a straight, flat band, made of a material that the Cimmerians call "asphalt" (which in the Cimmerian language means, "asphalt.") It is possessed of two yellow lines, being both in the center of the band, such that the center itself is between the yellow lines, and is black. As it is wide, dirty, and not seemly in the matter of U-turns, I am of the opinion that no Chicken ever crossed it.
There are three stories which are told about Misgetomenos the son of Aidoion, of which the following is in my opinion the most probable, the others being, so it would seem, completely untrue. This is that Misgetomenos was not a Chicken at all, but rather a slave who, charged with the painting of crosswalks, was called by the name of "Tsicken," which, in the Greek language, means "chicken.
There is, however, a different tale which is told of the son of Aidoion, and this I heard from the Greeks who live in Asia. This I will recount, though I do not believe it. This is that Misgetomenos was, in fact, a Chicken; further, that he did cross the Road of the Cimmerians, simply for this reason: that he might get to the Other Side.

Random Humor 2

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago:
In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows.
The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn.
Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"

Random Humor

witzelsucht (vit'sel-zoocht) [Ger.]

"A mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at which the patient himself is intensely amused."